By now, you may have gathered your documents, sought advice from professionals, and done some personal reflection about your values and goals. That work is essential – but it is only one part of the conversation. The person you are separating from is also coming into the process with their own needs, concerns, and hopes. The question then becomes: How do we take both perspectives into account and reach a resolution that works?

This is where mediation, or any structured negotiation, can offer a different kind of dialogue. It is not the same as everyday conversations, which often circle around past frustrations or unresolved disagreements. These processes are forward-looking and designed to help people identify issues, explore options, and reach agreements that allow everyone to move forward.

One way to think about it is like untangling a ball of holiday lights. You pull them out of storage expecting to decorate, only to find a knot of wires and a few bulbs that do not work. It takes time and patience to sort them out and replace what is broken. But once that work is done, you can step back and enjoy something meaningful and bright.

It is important that each person comes into the conversation with a willingness to understand, not just to be understood. This mindset helps rebuild trust and makes it easier to find durable solutions.

Before entering a conversation about your separation, it is helpful to think about the qualities of a strong negotiator. What kind of communicator do you want to be? What approach will help you express your needs while making space for the other person's perspective? Reflecting on these questions will help you feel more grounded and effective in any discussion that lies ahead.

Good communication helps create better outcomes. You may have heard the saying, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” This means that being kind and respectful is more likely to lead to positive results – especially in a negotiation. Separation is a two-way street, and how you speak to each other can make a big difference.

If you are rude or disrespectful, the conversation may not go well. If you are polite and respectful, you are more likely to work together and reach a better agreement.

One of the most important skills in any negotiation is listening. Good negotiators are excellent listeners. Truly listening means not thinking about your response while the other person is talking. Instead, you focus fully on what they are saying.

A helpful way to do this is through active listening. This means:

These simple techniques show the other person that you hear and understand them. It helps build trust and can calm tense conversations. When people feel heard, they are more likely to cooperate and work together.

Even if you are not feeling very empathetic right now, showing empathy can help both you and the other person during a negotiation.

Empathy means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. It means really listening to their feelings and what they need. It also means letting them know that you are listening and trying to understand.

Here are some simple ways to practice empathy:

“It sounds like you’re feeling worried about money and you want to feel financially secure.”

You are not saying they will struggle or that you will provide that security. You are simply showing that you understand how they feel.

You can take this even further by saying something like:

“I can see that when I arrive late, it may feel like I do not respect your time. I understand how that could seem that way.”

Again, you are not agreeing – you are showing that their view makes sense from their perspective.

When you do this, you become more of a partner than an opponent. This builds trust. When someone feels heard and understood, they are more likely to calm down and work with you to solve the problem.

Empathy helps both of you. It makes it more likely that the other person will also listen to your side and try to find a solution that works for both of you.

This discussion is highly emotionally charged. Trying to manage your own emotions and control your own behaviours is important to a successful discussion.

"Box Breathing" is so helpful. Empty your lungs and hold for 4 seconds, then breathe in for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 4 seconds, and breathe out for 4 seconds. Doing this for 5 minutes regulates your whole nervous system and leaves you feeling calm and focussed. It is recommended by doctors, yogis, navy seals, and golf pros because it really does work to change your state of mind.

Allow the other person to speak and feel heard. Sometimes, simply being able to share their thoughts and feelings is all they need. You may find that it helps you feel better too.

Remember, people’s feelings, memories, and points of view are personal and subjective. They are not always facts, and you do not need to defend yourself or argue back.

Even when it is difficult, try not to take what is said personally. What they share is more about how they are feeling. Your role is to create a safe space where the other person can speak openly and feel heard.

When you do this, the conversation becomes calmer and more respectful. This also makes the other person more willing to listen to what you have to say.

When working through a separation, it’s important to be patient with the process, and with each other. Reaching an agreement takes time, especially when emotions are involved and when you are handling things on your own without a mediator.

Take the time to talk through what matters most to each of you. The more clearly you both understand each other's needs and concerns, the easier it becomes to find solutions that work. Sometimes, it takes a few conversations to get there. That is normal.

Remember, the goal is to create an agreement that both people can accept and that supports your children and your future. The discussion might feel slow at times, but it’s a necessary step toward getting the outcome you want.

Stay focused, stay respectful, and give the process the time it needs. With patience and commitment, reaching a fair and workable agreement is possible.

Asking the right kind of questions can help you understand the other person better and find a solution that works for both of you. The best questions to ask are open-ended questions. These are questions that begin with words like “How” or “What” and invite the other person to share more details.

These questions give the other person space to explain what really matters to them. It’s like being a detective looking for clues. A closed question (like “Do you like this?”) gives you one answer. But an open question (like “What do you like about this?”) gives you a lot more information, and sometimes reveals things you didn’t expect.

Here are some examples of open-ended questions:

The more you ask open questions, the more clues you gather to help solve the problem together.

It’s important to create space for the other person to talk and share, but your voice matters too. Both of you need to be heard in order to solve the problem.

When it is your turn to speak, be open and honest. Share the facts, your feelings, and your needs clearly and respectfully. A helpful way to do this is by using an “I statement.” This means you speak from your own point of view instead of blaming or criticizing.

For example:

This style of speaking comes from a method called Non-Violent Communication, created by Marshall Rosenberg. It helps you express what’s important to you without making the other person feel attacked. This lowers the chance of conflict and helps keep the conversation calm and respectful.

When you choose your words carefully and speak mindfully, you invite cooperation. It shows you are open to dialogue and want to find a solution together.

When working through a separation, it helps to look at each issue from different angles. It is also helpful to look at all the issues together instead of one at a time. This way, you can see how different parts of the agreement affect each other.

Every person has different priorities. Some things may matter more to one of you than the other. If you understand what is most important to each of you, you can make suggestions that help both sides. For example, you might agree to something that matters a lot to the other person in exchange for something that matters a lot to you.

Think of each issue as a puzzle piece. Your job is to move the pieces around and find a way to make them fit together. Being flexible and open to different combinations can help you build an agreement that works well for both of you.

One of the most important steps in reaching an agreement is making a proposal. This can also be one of the hardest steps. People often talk about the issues but feel unsure about how to offer a clear suggestion.

Your goal is to suggest something that works for both of you. It does not have to be perfect – it just needs to be a starting point.

When you receive a proposal from the other person:

This process of offering and adjusting proposals helps both of you find a solution that works. It may take a few tries, but it’s an important part of creating a lasting agreement.